Witty Wednesday

100 Funny Business Quotes

In all seriousness, business can be pretty funny. From rickety leadership to entropic working styles, the business world, like real life, is shaded with chuckles. Here are 100 funny business quotes and sayings* that hold a grain of truth in their humor.

 

*attributed where sources were available

1. If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late. James Goldsmith
2. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi
3. Why join the navy if you can be a pirate? Steve Jobs
4. The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lilly Tomlin
5. He’s taking this company to hell, and we’re riding shotgun. 
6. She got kicked upstairs. (She was promoted to a higher position that’s less appealing than her current one. This is business jargon.)
7. Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining. Old West quote
8. Run your idea up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it.
9. We have paralysis by analysis.
10. Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat. Jim Collins
11. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vidal Sassoon
12. When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp. Ronald Reagan
13.  Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them.
14. Communications axim
15. When you assume, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
16. Don’t beat a dead horse.
17. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
18. George Bernard Shaw
19. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. Oscar Wilde
20. Don’t corner something meaner than you. Old West saying
21. Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.
22. A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory.
23. The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Roy L. Smith
24. Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
25. Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. The Peter Principle
26. Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Cyril Northcote Parkinson/Parkinson’s Law.
27. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
28. There’s an idiot somewhere deprived of a village.
29. A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. David Brinkley
30. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
31. She works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
32. She should go far. The sooner she starts, the better.
33. The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Joseph Stilwell
34. They slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.
35. He has hit rock bottom and started to dig.
36. Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence.
37. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson
38. The wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead.
39. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
40. I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw
41. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change.
42. Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young
43. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard
44. There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. David Letterman
45. Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. Howard Aiken
46. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
47. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
48. There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker
49. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
50. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson
51. Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
52. A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. William Feather
53. If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty
54. The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler
55. A company is known by the people it keeps.
56. At some time in the lifecycle of every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
57. Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan
58. Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. TS Eliot
59. If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.  Benjamin Franklin
60. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
61. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
62. If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Malcolm S. Forbes quotes
63. It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. PJ O’Rourke
64. Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose
65. If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average. MH Alderson
66. The most popular labor-saving device is still money. Phyllis George
67. Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell
68. Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. H. Jackson Brown
69. It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson
70. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. WC Fields
71. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
72. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
73. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp
74. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
75. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
76. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain
77. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
78. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
79. If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Kirk Kirkpatrick
80. Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Scott Adams/Dilbert
81. Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard
82. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde
83. All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. Aristotle
84. Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes. Henry Thoreau
85. Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.
86. Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim Halpert/The Office
87. Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful. Benjamin Disraeli
88. You never become a howling success by just howling. Bob Harrington
89. Success means only doing what you do well, letting someone else do the rest. Goldstein S. Truism
90. Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. Joseph Heller
91. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower
92. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson
93. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte
94. One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. Josh Billings
95. There’s nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. Alan Clark
96. I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt
97. Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues. David Ogilvy
98. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
99. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
100. Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
101. For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
102. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell

Sources: SMBTN, Businessballs, Basicjokes, Thinkexist, OfficeHumor, DennyDavis

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