Witty Wednesday

100 Funny Business Quotes

In all seriousness, business can be pretty funny. From rickety leadership to entropic working styles, the business world, like real life, is shaded with chuckles. Here are 100 funny business quotes and sayings* that hold a grain of truth in their humor.

 

*attributed where sources were available

1. If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late. James Goldsmith
2. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi
3. Why join the navy if you can be a pirate? Steve Jobs
4. The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lilly Tomlin
5. He’s taking this company to hell, and we’re riding shotgun. 
6. She got kicked upstairs. (She was promoted to a higher position that’s less appealing than her current one. This is business jargon.)
7. Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining. Old West quote
8. Run your idea up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it.
9. We have paralysis by analysis.
10. Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat. Jim Collins
11. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vidal Sassoon
12. When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp. Ronald Reagan
13.  Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them.
14. Communications axim
15. When you assume, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
16. Don’t beat a dead horse.
17. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
18. George Bernard Shaw
19. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. Oscar Wilde
20. Don’t corner something meaner than you. Old West saying
21. Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.
22. A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory.
23. The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Roy L. Smith
24. Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
25. Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. The Peter Principle
26. Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Cyril Northcote Parkinson/Parkinson’s Law.
27. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
28. There’s an idiot somewhere deprived of a village.
29. A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. David Brinkley
30. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
31. She works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
32. She should go far. The sooner she starts, the better.
33. The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Joseph Stilwell
34. They slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.
35. He has hit rock bottom and started to dig.
36. Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence.
37. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson
38. The wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead.
39. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
40. I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw
41. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change.
42. Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young
43. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard
44. There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. David Letterman
45. Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. Howard Aiken
46. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
47. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
48. There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker
49. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
50. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson
51. Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
52. A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. William Feather
53. If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty
54. The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler
55. A company is known by the people it keeps.
56. At some time in the lifecycle of every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
57. Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan
58. Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. TS Eliot
59. If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.  Benjamin Franklin
60. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
61. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
62. If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Malcolm S. Forbes quotes
63. It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. PJ O’Rourke
64. Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose
65. If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average. MH Alderson
66. The most popular labor-saving device is still money. Phyllis George
67. Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell
68. Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. H. Jackson Brown
69. It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson
70. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. WC Fields
71. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
72. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
73. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp
74. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
75. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
76. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain
77. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
78. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
79. If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Kirk Kirkpatrick
80. Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Scott Adams/Dilbert
81. Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard
82. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde
83. All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. Aristotle
84. Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes. Henry Thoreau
85. Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.
86. Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim Halpert/The Office
87. Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful. Benjamin Disraeli
88. You never become a howling success by just howling. Bob Harrington
89. Success means only doing what you do well, letting someone else do the rest. Goldstein S. Truism
90. Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. Joseph Heller
91. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower
92. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson
93. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte
94. One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. Josh Billings
95. There’s nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. Alan Clark
96. I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt
97. Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues. David Ogilvy
98. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
99. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
100. Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
101. For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
102. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell

Sources: SMBTN, Businessballs, Basicjokes, Thinkexist, OfficeHumor, DennyDavis

To view the original article from Business Punit CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Funny Jobs

31. Pickpocket

There's a burglar in my pants!

 

32. Serving Wench

The waitress on a pirate ship.

 

33. Rush Tribute Band

 

34. Analyzing Systems

 

35. Barista

I guess "Coffee Sommelier" was too pretentious.

36. Cleaning Bird Shit Out of Cuckoo Clocks

This once killed at a family gathering.

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Funny Jobs

21. Coffee Bitch
The new guy everyone makes go on Starbucks runs.

22. Crime Fighter

Job held by Batman, Deputy Dog, Sherlock Holmes, Encyclopedia Brown, T.J. Hooker, and others.

 

23. Herpetologist

Someone who studies frogs (and reptiles and other amphibians).

 

24. Haberdasher

 

25. Door-to-Door Salesman

"Hey, uhh, wanna buy an anvil?"

26. Knob Polisher

 

27. Fishmonger

It sounds funnier than it really is.

 

28. Hobo

Unfortunately, they were hunted into extinction in the 1930's.

 

29. Swishy Hairdresser

 

30. Head Honcho

At my latest job review, I told my boss that it was my career goal to be the head honcho.

 

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Funny Jobs

11. Mime
Nature's way of thinning out the clown herd.

12. Merch Girl or Guy

They're "with the band".

 

13. Shopping Cart Wrangler

 

14. Cutpurses

Giving seaports and wharves a bad name since 1626.

 

15. Slubberdoffer

Refers to a person in the textile industry who removes bobbins on a slubbing machine.

 

16. Phlebotomist

The people that draw your blood at the hospital, aka vampires.

 

17. Robber Baron

 

18. Mohel

 

19. Carny

 

20. Cowpuncher

According to Dictionary.com, "a hired hand who tends cattle and performs other duties on horseback". So basically someone who does all that cowboy stuff on a ranch with cows.

 

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Funny Jobs

1. Extreme AC Repairman
No matter how much my job sucks, I'm thankful not to have to hang off balconies to fix other people's AC units. Regardless, the dedication of these repairmen is admirable.

2. Sandwich Artist

As if making them wasn't enough... now subway serves up $5 dollar art... your way.

 

3. Organ Grinder

Usually requires a monkey and tin cup.

 

4. Scullery Maid

The lowest rung on the ladder of Great House help; often preoccupied with plucking fowl and scaling fish.

 

5. Snake Milker

Someone who extracts the venom from snakes.

 

6. Drifter

Abandon your belongings and lead a nomadic lifestyle.

 

7. Releaser of the Hounds

 

8. Knocker-up

Before the invention of alarm clocks, inns located in Ireland hired people to take note of guests awakening time and then knock on their room door to wake them up.

 

9. Tonsorial Artist

Sounds like a fun name for Doctor of Internal Medicine (which could use a fun name), but it’s actually another way to say Hair Stylist.

 

10. Boner

Person who de-bones chickens and various poultry for consumption.

 

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Ways to Confuse Your

Co-Workers

(use at your own risk)

• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
• Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com” (or “thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com”)
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
• Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
• Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
• Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
• Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
• Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me I’ll be in the bathroom.”
• No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”
• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
• Grow mold in your coffee cup.
• Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
• Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
• When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.
• Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
• “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
• For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
• Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.
• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
• Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
• Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”
• Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby “Pud” McNeel.
• Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “Creative”.

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

99 Excuses for Skipping out of Work

Everyone needs a bit of extra time of occasionally, and all manner of outlandish excuses are given. Here is a list of 99 (mostly funny) excuses for getting out of work.

1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
21. I’m arranging financing for a car.
22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
27. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
28. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
29. My back aches.
30. My stomach aches.
31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
32. My biological clock is ticking.
33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
34. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
35. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
43. I think I left the iron on.
44. I think I left the water on.
45. I think I left the refrigerator on.46. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
47. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
48. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
49. I have to have my waistband let out.
50. I have to have my watchband let out.
51. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
52. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
53. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
54. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
55. I’m having a root canal.
56. I’m having a tax audit.
57. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
60. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
61. I have to renew my driver’s license.
62. I have to get new license plates.
63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
64. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
65. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
66. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
71. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
72. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
73. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
74. I need to give blood.
75. I need to give evidence.
76. I need to give up.
77. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
78. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
79. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.
82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
83. I’m having my nails done.
84. I’m having my colors done.
85. I’m having my head examined.
86. I’m going to the bank.
87. I’m going to sleep.
88. I’m going over the edge.
89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
93. I need to check into a rest home.
94. I’m breaking in my shoes.
95. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.
96. I’m breaking out.
97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
98. I have to pick out a car.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.

To view original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Outrageous Interview Blunders 2011

"What's your company's policy on Monday absences?"
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?"
"If this doesn't work out, can I call you to go out sometime?"
These sound like lines from a movie, but they're not. They are lines from real people ... during real job interviews.
According to a recent CareerBuilder Interview Mistakes survey, hiring managers revealed that they still see certain interview mistakes regularly. The most frequent interview mistakes reported were:

• Answering a cell phone or texting during the interview (71%)
• Dressing inappropriately (69%)
• Appearing disinterested (69%)
• Appearing arrogant (66%)
• Speaking negatively about a current or previous employer (63%)
• Chewing gum (59%)
• Not providing specific answers (35%)
• Not asking good questions (32%)

While AOL has not conducted a formal survey on this topic, we have culled stories of some of the most "unfortunate" interview mistakes as told by HR professionals, hiring managers and recruiters. Here are our favorites.

A candidate told me they missed my call because they had another phone interview prior to mine and needed to take a break from the interviewing process.
-- Shilonda Downing, Virtual Work Team

A candidate for an open communications position kept telling the group, "You really get my juices flowing! Like, really, flowing!" We were left with serious concerns about this person being the spokesperson for our agency and mission.
-- Anonymous

A candidate interviewing for a high-level engineering position was invited back for a final interview with his peers. While the engineers were making small talk, the candidate walked down the dangerous path of getting too "pal-sy" with the other engineers. He made several inappropriate comments and cracked a Rogaine joke with one of the balding engineers.
-- Jenny Foss, recruiter, Ladder Recruiting

When we asked the candidate if he had any questions, at first he looked surprised by the question itself. Then he furrowed his brow, thought for a moment and came out with, "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?"
-- Barry Maher, author of 'Filling the Glass'

A common blunder is when I ask the candidate to give me an example of a time when they made a mistake -- what they learned, what they might do different. I have had several people tell me they have NEVER made a mistake so they had no answer. My thought is, "Well, you just made one now."
-- Kimberly Bishop, N.Y.C-based executive recruiter

A candidate I interviewed was 10 minutes late and did not call. As we were talking, I asked her how her commute was, to give her the graceful entry to explain her lateness. She responded by telling me about her challenging commute, beginning with the argument with her husband about whose turn it was to take the kids to day care that morning. I decided once again to be gracious and asked her if this was a typical morning. She said yes. It was a brief interview after that.
-- Lisa Chenofsky Singer, executive and career management coach, Communications & HR Consulting

During an interview, a candidate said, "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go."
-- Bruce Campbell, vice president of Marketing, Clare Computer Solutions

A candidate was running late for an interview. When asked by security to show her ID and sign in, she yelled at the security guard and moved briskly to the elevator. Her interview went well, and it was expected that she would be asked to come back for the next round of interviews. After the interview ended, security called the company informing them what had occurred, and she was not asked back for the next rounds.
-- Lavie Margolin, job search advisor

When asked about his hobbies, a candidate replied, "Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying." Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, "I particularly like blondes."
-- Petri R.J. Darby, president, DarbyDarnit Public Relations

I once had a candidate send his resume to the office crumpled up inside of a shoe. His logic? Just trying to get my foot in the door.
-- Brad Karsh, president, JB Training Solutions & JobBound Outplacement

A PeopleSoft consultant applicant flew to San Francisco to interview with a Fortune 500 company. The company was so impressed with the consultant over the phone, they decided to fast-track her hire and arranged a final meeting with the principal manager in the area. The night before the interview, the recruiter told the applicant to dress to impress. The consultant arrived on time but in five minutes, the interview was over. The reason? The applicant arrived to the interview in a Star Trek uniform. "Dressing for success" is no longer a phrase we use to prep people for interviews!
-- Jack Williams, VP of National Sales and Recruiting, Staffing Technologies

One candidate asked the interviewer when she was due to give birth. The problem was, the interviewer was not pregnant.
-- Deborah Millhouse, president, CEO Inc.

An applicant brought urine to an interview thinking he might have to take a drug test. The urine tested as not human.
-- Michael Hayes, owner, Momentum Specialized Staffing

We were in the final rounds of interviewing for a business development position. The candidate articulated himself gracefully. It was the non-verbal motions however, that caused the problems. As he rocked back and forth in his chair, I suddenly heard a loud cracking noise and noticed the chair breaking. The only thing you could see were this man's shoes with his feet straight up in the air. The next thing we heard was a loud flatus noise coming from the candidate. He got up, looked at all of us and said, "Now that just knocked the wind right out of me," and continued making his presentation like nothing happened. The hiring manager stood up, stopped the interview and said, "You clearly demonstrated that you have the ability to think on your feet as well as off your feet, and when you get completely sidetracked with what seemed like an embarrassing moment, you continued unshaken. When can you join our company?"
-- Kevin O'Malley, chief HR strategist, Sterling Staffing, Inc.

During an interview, an entry-level candidate said, "I don't want to be bored at this internship." It's important for students to know their role and show employers respect.
-- Lauren Berger, CEO, Intern Queen Inc.

The biggest mistake I had a candidate make in an interview was to share with the hiring manager that he had a side photography business he did in his personal time, after hours and on the weekend. This candidate went from being "the guy for the job" to cut loose within five minutes. Everyone understands that what you do in your personal time should be your own business. However, the VP wanted to hire someone that would be fully dedicated to putting in whatever hours it took to be successful in the role."
-- Jordan Rayboy, IT executive recruiter

I interviewed a candidate for my growing business who was exceptional in every aspect. I was sure to hire her. I asked her about her future plans. She said, "I am here to learn your business and then in two years I will become your competitor and run the same business." Needless to say, I didn't hire her.
-- Kapil Rampal, CEO, Creative Crest

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

20 funny (yet strangely motivational) quotations on leadership

Quotations on leadership have always been popular for people in the business world, particularly with managers and people at Director and CEO level. These types of quotes can be inspirational, insightful, motivational, moving and make you think. And if a few of them make you laugh out loud and have a little bit of a chuckle in the process then that is even better!

We have handpicked twenty of our favourite funny leadership quotes, ranging throughout time and history and from a varied group of individuals: world leaders, comedians and even the anonymous. They vary from the weirdly unusual to those that are just downright amusing.

We hope that you enjoy them...

The list

1. "Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head." - Euripides
2. "It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." - Douglas Adams
3. "The question, 'Who ought to be boss?', is like asking, 'Who ought to be the tenor in the quartet?' Obviously, the man who can sing tenor." - Henry Ford
4. "I am more afraid of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep." - Talleyrand
5. "You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long." - Boris Yeltsin
6. "To lead the people, walk behind them." - Lao Tzu
7. "It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse." - Adlai Stevenson
8. "It is a terrible thing to look over your shoulder when you are trying to lead - and find no one there." - Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. "A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune." - Anonymous
10. "Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women." - Groucho Marx
11. "When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy." - Dave Barry
12. "If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think, they'll hate you." - Don Marquis
13. "The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it." - Elaine Agather
14. "Leadership, like swimming, cannot be learned by reading about it." - Henry Mintzberg
15. "You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership." - Dwight Eisenhower
16. "A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd." - Max Lucado
17. "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't!" - Margaret Thatcher
18. "A leader has to appear consistent. That doesn't mean he has to be consistent." - James Callahan
19. "Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes." - Lewis Grizzard
20. "Lead, follow or get out of the way!" - Anonymous

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Recruiting Firm Shares The 50 Weirdest Job Titles They've Ever Seen

Every once in awhile, you'll get a business card with such a pretentious job title, you don't even know what the person really does for a living.

And if you're a recruiter, you probably see more fancy job titles than you'd prefer.

Recruiting firm Coburg Banks shares on their blog 50 of the most ridiculous job titles they've ever come across on resumes.

Most of these titles come from marketing applicants, which "perhaps says something about people in marketing," the post says.

We thought these titles were pretty funny:

1. Beverage Dissemination Officer – Bartender
2. Chick Sexer – Someone who determines the sex of chickens
3. Digital Overlord – Website Manager
4. Retail Jedi – Shop Assistant
5. Wizard of Light Bulb Moments – Marketing Director
6. Chief Chatter – Call Centre Manager
7. Animal Colourist – This person dyes animals for movies and marketing campaigns
8. Problem Wrangler – Counselor
9. Twisted Brother – Balloon Artist
10. Digital Dynamo - Digital Marketing Executive
11. Direct Mail Demi-God – Direct Mail Manager
12. Dream Alchemist – Head of Creative
13. Marketing Rockstar – Marketing Executive
14. Light Bender – Someone who is responsible for the high-tech, precision job of making neon lights
15. Space Travel Agent– This is the job of Craig Curran who is an accredited travel agent for Virgin Galactic, the world’s first space tourism business.
16. Associate to the Executive Manager of Marketeer’ing and Conservation efforts –Marketing Assistant
17. Pneumatic device and machine optimizer – Factory Worker
18. Senior Kindle Evangelist’ – In charge of all things Kindle for Amazon
19. Brand Evangelist – Marketing Brand Manager
20. Chief Inspiration Officer – A ‘CIO’ is a company representative whose role is essentially to encourage ‘belief in the company’ and ‘internal evangelism of its values’
21. Part-Time Czar – Czars were Eastern European supreme rulers that haven’t been around since WWII. This person is either an assistant manager or perhaps an emperior of Russia who has been kept in a cryopreserve state since 1917 and is now ready to rejoin the job market.
22. Associate Vice President – One of a number of Vice Presidents
23. Patron Saint of Academic Studying – Unless this person was several hundred years old, I’m doubting whether this person is being totally honest about being a saint.
24. Personalized care assistant – Care Assistant is fine
25. Hair Boiler- Someone who boils animal hair until it curls (for use in a variety of products)
26. Cheese Sprayer – Someone who sprays cheese or butter by hand on popcorn
27. Oyster Floater – Someone who floats oysters in water until they are free of impurities
28. Marketing Rockstar – Simply a Marketing Manager
29. Grand master of underlings – Deputy Manager
30. Creativity analyst – Assistant Marketing Manager
31. Accounting Ninja – Financial Manager (Trying to make numbers sound sexier than they are)
32. Sales Ninja – Sales Executive
33. Conversation Architect – Digital Marketing Manager
34. Director of Fun – Director of Marketing
35. New Media Guru – Digital Marketing Manager
36. Initiative Officer – Planner
37. Social Media Trailblazer – Digital Marketing Executive
38. Corporate Magician – Trade Show Magician
39. Master Handshaker – ?????
40. Communications Ambassador – ?????
41. Happiness Advocate – ?????
42. Under Secretary to the Sub-Committee – ?????
43. Hyphenated-specialist – ??????
44. Second Tier Totalist – ??????
45. Actions and Repercussions Adviser -??????
46. Professionalist – ??????
47. International and world-wide optical and vision-focused tenured professorship –??????
48. Creator of Happiness -??????
49. Change Magician - ?????
50. Chief Biscuit Dunker- ??????

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

100 Funny Business Quotes

In all seriousness, business can be pretty funny. From rickety leadership to entropic working styles, the business world, like real life, is shaded with chuckles. Here are 100 funny business quotes and sayings* that hold a grain of truth in their humor.

1. If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late. James Goldsmith
2. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi
3. Why join the navy if you can be a pirate? Steve Jobs
4. The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lilly Tomlin
5. He’s taking this company to hell, and we’re riding shotgun. 
6. She got kicked upstairs. (She was promoted to a higher position that’s less appealing than her current one. This is business jargon.)
7. Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining. Old West quote
8. Run your idea up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it.
9. We have paralysis by analysis.
10. Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat. Jim Collins
11. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vidal Sassoon
12. When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp. Ronald Reagan
13. Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them. Communications axim
14. When you assume, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
15. Don’t beat a dead horse.
16. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig. George Bernard Shaw
17. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. Oscar Wilde
18. Don’t corner something meaner than you. Old West saying
19. Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.
20. A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory.
21. The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Roy L. Smith
22. Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
23. Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. The Peter Principle
24. Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Cyril Northcote Parkinson/Parkinson’s Law.
25. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
26. There’s an idiot somewhere deprived of a village.
27. A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. David Brinkley
28. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
29. She works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
30. She should go far. The sooner she starts, the better.
31. The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Joseph Stilwell
32. They slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.
33. He has hit rock bottom and started to dig.
34. Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson
35. The wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead.
36. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
37. I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw
38. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change.
39. Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young
40. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard
41. There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. David Letterman
42. Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. Howard Aiken
43. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
44. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
45. There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker
46. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
47. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson 
48. Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
49. A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. William Feather
50. If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty
51. The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler
52. A company is known by the people it keeps. 
53. At some time in the lifecycle of every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
54. Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan
55. Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. TS Eliot
56. If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin
57. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
58. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. 
59. If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Malcolm S. Forbes quotes
60. It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. PJ O’Rourke
61. Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose
62. If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average. MH Alderson
63. The most popular labor-saving device is still money. Phyllis George
64. Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell
65. Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. H. Jackson Brown
66. It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson
67. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. WC Fields
68. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
69. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
70. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp
71. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.  
72. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
73. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain
74. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.  
75. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
76. If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Kirk Kirkpatrick
77. Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Scott Adams/Dilbert
78. Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.Lewis Grizzard
79. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde
80. All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. Aristotle
81. In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. Les Claypool
82. Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes. Henry Thoreau
83. Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.
84. Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim Halpert/The Office
85. Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful. Benjamin Disraeli
86. You never become a howling success by just howling. Bob Harrington
87. Success means only doing what you do well, letting someone else do the rest. Goldstein S. Truism
88. Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. Joseph Heller
89. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower
90. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson
91. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte
92. One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. Josh Billings
93. There’s nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. Alan Clark
94. I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt
95. Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues. David Ogilvy
96. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
97. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
98. Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
99. For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
100. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

 Time Management for Business

 

www.wordsandtoons.com

Witty Wednesday

Funny Job Titles

Update 25/09/09: when I blogged this article, all the funny job titles linked to real postings on Craigslist. As time passed, Craigslist removed the old postings, breaking all my links so I’ve removed them. Believe me though, those were the real titles used. Enjoy!

1. experienced bra fitter – I bet they had trouble finding candidates for this one.
2. PlayStation Brand Ambassador – please report to your residence in the United States of Nintendo.
3. Eyebrow Threading – I REALLY hope this has something to do with dolls.
4. Administraive/ Secretary – ok, ok, we get it. It’s clear where you need help.
5. Finish Carpenter – for when the Start Carpenter gets tired.
6. Helpdesk Technician @ Pentagon – “Uh, hello? I’m having a problem with this missile…”
7. Nail Tech – so nails can be pretty complicated…
8. Remedy Engineer – aren’t those called “doctors”?
9. Saltlick Cashier – new trend in the equestrian industry. Ok, enough horsing around.
10. Molecular Biologist II – when Molecular Biologist I gets promoted.
11. Breakfast Sandwich Maker – we also got one of these recently.
12. Hotel Housekeepers – why can’t they just say ‘hotelkeepers’?
13. Preschool Teacher #4065 – either that’s a really big school or they’ve got robot teachers.
14. glacéau drop team – for a new sport at the Winter Olympics: ice-water spilling.
15. PLUMMER/ELECTRICIAN – get a dictionary/thesaurus first.
16. DoodyCalls Technician – they really shouldn’t put down janitors like that.
17. Golf Staff – and here I thought they were called clubs.
18. Pressure Washers – what’s next, heat cleaners?
19. Sandwich Artist – another “Jesus in my food” wannabe.
20. Self Storage Manager – this is for self storage?
21. Qualified Infant Caregiver – too bad for all the unqualified caregivers on the list.
22. Ground Support – but there’s just more dirt under there.
23. Gymboree Teacher – the hardest part is not burning your hands sliding down the pole.
24. COMMERCIAL space hunter – so they did find animals further out in the cosmos? Who knew.
25. JOB COACH – if they’re unemployed when they get to you, what does that say about them?
26. KIDS KAMP INSTRUCTOR! – no spelling ability required.
27. POOLS SUPERVISOR – “yeah, they’re still wet…”
28. HOUSE MANAGER/TEEN SUPERVISOR – see the dictionary under P, for Parent.
29. Licensed Seamless Gutter Contractor – just sounds bad.

Funny Job Listings

1. Drive Around Round Rock and get paid!! – seems simple enough.
2. Landscaping Labor – the new Green Party.
3. ROCKSTAR DEVELOPER – and you thought only American Idol was manufactured.
4. Wine & Spirits retail store looking for partime help – maybe they should stop drinking their merchandise first.
5. Attractive, Busy Professional Seeks Very Attractive Personal Assistant – sounds one-sided to me
6. The Perfect Nanny Needed – Didn’t Ms. Doubtfire retire when the movie ended?
7. You might want to work with us forever – depends on your health plan.
8. I WANT TO HIRE YOU ON AT $500 PER DAY – what happens at the end of that day?
9. Where Are You? – right here. Where are *you*?
10. RUTH’S CHRIS STEAK HOUSE – it’s gonna be a long night for poor Chris.
11. BURNING BONZAI Server Needed – Bonzai server + matches = voila!
12. Part Time Dog Walker Needed! – wait, what’s the full-time dog walker doing?
13. Secret Shoppers Needed In Hollywood Hot Spots ASAP!!!! – oh great. You weren’t supposed to tell anyone!
14. The easiest “SALES JOB” – EVER GONE FISHING WITH DYNAMITE? – uh, “NO”.
15. SUPERINTENDED NEEDED – Superintended left already. She had stuff to take care of.
16. Terramar Walnut Creek Seeks Front of House Manager! – no deal, I can only manage the back of the house.
17. Part-time Quick Books – last time I checked they were books full-time.
18. I Wish I Could Hire Everyone – better start looking for a really big office.
19. Get Paid to Wave and Dance!!!! – This is one job I can do for free!
20. Wanted: Happy Person – would that be “in your face happy”, “perky happy” or just plain happy?
21. NATURAL PET STORE – the fake pet store is one street over from there.
22. We Can’t Afford 8 More Years. Help Elect Democrats in November – talk about a pessimist. They already think that the Democrats will lose again twice more

Read more at: http://jobmob.co.il/blog/funny-craigslist-job-titles-listings/#ixzz2CgJoqQgJ

Witty Wednesday

Six Job Hunter Horror Stories

Job hunting can be a scary endeavour. The following true stories will raise the hair on the neck of even the bravest job seekers. You can learn from their hard-earned lessons. (Names have been changed to protect the traumatised.)

Horror Story No. 1: The Invisible Man
"I'd been looking for a different job for several months and after much searching I was finally offered a new position," Julie N., an administrative assistant, says. "Of course I accepted, but days after I'd given notice to my current employer, my new employer called and told me they had re-evaluated their financial situation. They were rescinding their offer!

"Panicked, I tucked my tail between my legs and went looking for my current boss to tell her I wouldn’t be resigning after all. I made every effort, but she was tied up in meetings all day. The following morning, during a staff meeting she made reference to my upcoming departure. I was stuck. I had no choice but to reveal my predicament and ask for my old job back – in front of the entire office staff. She gave me two months to find a new job."

Lesson: Always confirm a new job offer before you resign from the old one.

Horror Story No. 2: A Nightmare on Elm Street
"I once called regarding an ad for a 'marketing rep.' The interview consisted of walking door to door (in coat and tie) with another employee as we tried to sell car servicing vouchers," Phil G., an account executive, remembers. "He would try to make a sale, and then ask me to try one as part of the interviewing process. In between, my interviewer would ask me questions about my career goals and dreams.

We stopped for lunch at a McDonald’s and he had to borrow money from me so he could eat! The final stage of the interview included a closed-door motivation session with all of the current marketing reps. They sang songs, clapped, and chanted the company motto (which I don't recall). I had to think fast. It was raining that day. I told my coach/interviewer that I had left my car window open. I got up, ran out and never looked back."

Lesson: When scheduling an interview, inquire about the role and location.


Horror Story No. 3: Friday the 13th
"One of my first jobs as a supervisor was to interview candidates for an administrative assistant position," John S. recalls. "We scheduled a full day of initial interviews. Following a very wet and rainy night, some areas of our office roof were leaking and maintenance had a couple of buckets in the hallway. Not a great first impression, but well, it was a quaint old office building.

"Each applicant had to complete a battery of written tests. As one candidate dutifully sat at a desk outside my office, I heard a 'crack,' a 'swoosh' and then a huge splash. The ceiling tile just above the candidate had collapsed under the weight of the rain water and drenched her. Wet but unharmed, the experience clearly dampened her spirits and her expensive interview suit. She immediately informed me that she was no longer interested in the job."

Lesson: Prepare for a rainy day and bring an umbrella.


Horror Story No. 4: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
"Looking to escape the policies, procedures and politics of a big company, I sent my C.V. to a small, privately-owned manufacturing company that was looking for a top executive. I received an invitation from the owner of the company to come to an interview. His office had a fireplace, very comfortable-looking sofas and looked more like a living-room than an office. The interview went well and I was excited about the flexibility of the job, the tremendous earning potential and the opportunity to travel around the world to visit clients," Patrick L., a top financial executive says.

"That is, until the owner asked if my wife would be willing to travel with me. I explained that wasn’t possible as she too was a professional and had her own full-time career. He then asked if I would be comfortable travelling with an escort as many of their international clients expected to be entertained and treated to lavish dinners with their significant others! Having invested an equal number of years in both my marriage and my career, I decided I wasn’t willing to put either at risk, even if this sounded like my dream job."

Lesson: Don’t lose sight of what really matters.


Horror Story No. 5: House of Wax
"I drove 300 miles each way at my own expense to interview for a position at a particular company," Matthew H., a marketing manager, says. "When I sat down for the interview, the interviewer (an assistant manager) only asked me ONE question, "Can you tell me about yourself?" After I gave a brief 90 second introduction, she indicated that was all the questions she had and asked if I had any questions for her."

"Somewhat baffled, I proceeded to INTERVIEW HER -- on her background and skills, her position, her department, the company, company culture, etc. With such a complacent and unenergetic attitude to recruiting qualified employees, I left that interview and the company unimpressed."

Lesson: Thoroughly research a company and prepare a list of questions before heading out to an interview.


Horror Story No. 6: Psycho
"I had been looking for an opportunity to relocate to the North-East from London and move into sales management, when I received a call from a company in Liverpool about a position as a regional sales manager. They offered to fly me in for an interview with two of their senior sales managers. I had heard industry rumours that the company wasn’t doing too well and that their technology wasn’t exactly keeping pace with the competition. But I was impressed that they were going to pay for me to fly in from London, and was flattered that they were interested in me," Tricia C., a national sales manager, recalls.

"When I arrived, I discovered that the address they provided was not a company office, but instead it was a low-budget B&B close to John Lennon airport. The room number they gave me was for a guest room, not a meeting room. I was greeted by two old seemingly unwashed guys in badly-fitting suits who had spread a number of company brochures out on the bed. The rumours were obviously true!"

Lesson: Trust your instincts and first impressions.

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Great Places to Work: Interview Horror Stories

The funniest job interview mishaps

 

We asked area recruiters and employees: What's the funniest job-interview mistake you've seen or heard about?
Common themes emerged. Some job candidates answer cell phones during interviews. A surprising number ask the interviewer out on a date. A few too many fall asleep midinterview. Several are so nervous or unprepared that they forget the company name, the position they are applying for, or the interviewer's name.
Some other tales:

Wardrobe Malfunctions

"I was interviewing in the spring and had horrible allergies. I was sitting in front of my prospective employer, and I started to sneeze. The button from my skirt shot across the room. The employer never missed a beat. When the interview was over he walked me to the door, picked up my button, and shook my hand goodbye."
--Deb McDonald, Systems Planning and Analysis

"A guy who forgot dark socks to wear with his suit colored in his ankles with a black felt-tip marker."
--Scott Langerman, Comcast SportsNet

"The candidate was sitting with her legs crossed and swinging one leg. Her shoe flew off and underneath the interviewer's desk. She never said a word about it. The interviewer knew what happened because the shoe hit his foot, but he never said a word. She got her shoe back at the end of the interview."
--Angela McGlawn, Edelman Financial Services

Make Yourself Comfortable?

"The candidate mentioned that she had not had an opportunity to eat and began unpacking a lunch on my desk. She unpacked a china plate, a set of silverware, a cloth napkin, and a beautiful salad."
--Deirdre Appel, Mortgage Bankers Association

"A candidate complained during the interview that she was hot. She then said 'Excuse me' and proceeded to remove her socks. After placing them on the desk, she continued as if everything was normal."
--Wende R. Hoffman Pineda, B.F. Saul Company

"I once had a person clip her fingernails while we were speaking."
--Jackie Rucker, Wolf Trap Foundation for the Performing Arts

Come Again?

"The candidate said that by crossing the Maryland state line he was in violation of his probation but felt the interview was worth risking possible jail time."
--Jim Solomone, Software AG

"Someone was asked what person they would most like to meet, living or dead, and their response was the living one."
--Susan Potisek, Weinberg Group

"I was interviewing someone who took a cell-phone call and asked me to leave my office while they talked."
--William Lyle, Systems Planning and Analysis

Grace Under Pressure

"A friend was being interviewed in a small office, and his chair was flanked by a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf. The interviewer asked my friend a question. My friend leaned back in his chair and paused, gathering his thoughts. As he leaned forward, his interviewer's eyes went wide. Books cascaded down, with the crashing bookshelf narrowly missing his head."
--Kevin Keegan, Software AG

"A nervous interviewee came into my office, and in the middle of the handshake he accidentally spit his gum out in my face."
--Yolanda Evans, Project Performance Corporation

In a Jam

"My friend was racing to an interview. She flipped off another driver who blocked her car in the garage. The other driver ignored her, so she started honking and shouting obscenities. She finally got her car parked. She ran upstairs to the interview. The other driver was the owner of the company who was interviewing her."
--Kelley McCormick, Qorvis Communications

"After being interviewed for three hours, I had the office staff search everywhere for my car keys. Come to find that I had left them in the ignition with the doors unlocked."
--Elias Zarkadoulas, HireStrategy

"An applicant had taken a cab from the airport hotel. He had a dispute with the driver over the fare. Unsatisfied with the amount of money he received, the cab driver called the police. The job interview was interrupted by one of our security officers, who had to escort the applicant to the lobby where he was asked by police to pay the cab driver the remaining fare."
--Stacy Murphy, Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory

No Joke

"One interviewee made a West Virginia joke only to discover the person was from West Virginia."
--Kelly Anderson, Allied Capital

"The applicant spoke very negatively about his previous boss, only to find out that the interviewer for the new position was the daughter-in-law of the old boss."
--Reginald Humphries, Axiom Resource Management

"Someone going on an interview for an administrative-assistant position went to the company next door to the one she was supposed to be interviewing for. She went in and asked for 'the CEO' (she forgot the CEO's name). The CEO was so impressed with her that he offered her a job. She is still working for that company."
--R.J. Jenkins, Tangent Corporation

Is Honesty Best?

"When a candidate was asked about his greatest accomplishment, he replied that it was writing a short novel. When the interviewer said, 'No, I mean something you did while at work,' the candidate replied, 'But I did write it while at work!' "
--Rick Sherman, Mitretek Systems

"At a previous firm, while interviewing candidates for mailroom positions, we met a gentleman who made a very interesting wardrobe choice. What we thought was a pale yellow scarf tied beautifully around his neck was actually his pet snake, Herbie. When asked whether he thought it appropriate to bring a snake to an interview, he said that he was trying to set himself apart. We discussed the possible shortcomings to his decision, and because he was so honest, he ended up getting the job."
--Kristine Barr-Ouedraogo, GHT Limited

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Top 10 Funniest Job Horror Stories

Everyone has work or job search horror stories to tell. Here are 10 of the funniest job horror stories from around the web.

10. Concerned Employer

From Workrant.com:
“Firing a married couple who had just bought a house and were expecting their first child. The husband was simply fired because they (upper management) figured he’d be mad that his wife was fired.”

9. Honesty is the Best Policy

From The Real World:
“I instantly realize, of course, that there had indeed been a dollar on that table and I tell them that, and that I know that dollar is somewhere deep in the bucket, since that was the first table I had bussed and the bucket was now full, and since I don’t empty the buckets, I obviously wasn’t stealing… They say if it isn’t in that bucket I’m fired.”

8. Job Search Computer Virus

From ResumeEdge.com:
“I sent a digital resume and cover letter via email to apply for a position as a technical writer. Within a few hours, a message from the director in charge of hiring came via email. Full of anticipation, I opened the email to find a terse message: ‘your resume is infected with a virus and has been quarantined.’ A person cannot recover from an infected resume. I did not pursue the position further.”

7. Interview Crashes

From Careerbuilder.co.uk:
“One of my first jobs as a supervisor was to interview candidates for an administrative assistant,” Leigh S. recalls. “We scheduled a full day of screenings. Following a very wet and rainy night, some areas of our office roof were leaking and maintenance had a couple of buckets in the hallway. Not a great first impression, but hey, it was a quaint old office building. Each applicant had to complete a battery of written tests.
As one candidate dutifully sat at a desk outside my office, I heard a “crack,” a “swoosh” and then a huge splash. The ceiling tile just above the candidate had collapsed under the weight of the rain water and drenched her. Wet but unharmed, the experience clearly dampened her spirits and her prized interview suit. She immediately informed me that she was no longer interested in the job.”

6. Owning up in Public

Also from Careerbuilder.co.uk:
“I’d been looking for a different job for several months and after much searching I was finally offered a new position,” Julie N., an administrative assistant, says. “Of course I accepted, but days after I’d given notice to my current employer, my new employer called and told me they had re-evaluated their financial situation. They were rescinding their offer!
“Panicked, I tucked my tail between my legs and went looking for my current boss to tell her I wouldn’t be quitting after all. I made every effort, but she was tied up in meetings all day. The following morning, during a staff meeting she made reference to my upcoming departure. I was stuck. I had no choice but to reveal my predicament and ask for my old job back — in front of the entire office staff. She gave me two months to find a new job.”

5. My Way or the Highway

From WorseThanFailure.com:
“Oh I’m sorry,” the Chief Development Manager barked, callously, “were you guys trying to have a meeting in here? Because, if I was interrupting you two, I can stop. And I’m sure all the fifty-three other developers sitting here have nothing better to do than wait for your little meeting to end…”
“…A week later, the Chief Development Manager approached David and each of the other developers from the Build Process meeting and apologized to them.
I’m kidding. He fired them on the spot.”

4. Creative Job Seeking

From Washingtonian.com:
“A guy who forgot dark socks to wear with his suit colored in his ankles with a black felt-tip marker.”

3. Unfaithful Family

From Helium.com:
“Yes,” I said at last, wanting to be honest, and still not overly concerned, “Anna Wilson’s my sister… why?”
Complete, utter, uncomfortable silence, before my boss pulled the car into a parking space. We were back at work.
“She was dating my husband. My married name was Shrayger.”

2. It’s All an Act

From Tales of Corporate Oppression:
“I once got talking to a guy whose job it was to go into a company, sit alongside the Systems Administrator for two weeks, and write a professional audit on his processes and practices.
Naturally the sys admin would be on his best behavior, showing off all the clever things he did to keep the company’s computer network ticking over.
At the end of the two weeks, the sys admin would be fired. There was never any audit: this was just the method the company used to replace their IT people without disruption, making sure the new guy was trained up and the old guy didn’t cause any damage before he left.”

1. Too Good to be True

From Captain Internet, Ha’aretz (Hebrew):
Aleksey Vayner applied for a banking position at UBS AG with a video job resume entitled Impossible is Nothing. After becoming the laughingstock of Wall Street, impossible became something for him.

Bonus Horror Stories

More from the really funny Washingtonian article:
“The candidate said that by crossing the Maryland state line he was in violation of his probation but felt the interview was worth risking possible jail time.”
“Someone was asked what person they would most like to meet, living or dead, and their response was ‘the living one.’”
“When a candidate was asked about his greatest accomplishment, he replied that it was writing a short novel. When the interviewer said, ‘No, I mean something you did while at work,’ the candidate replied, ‘But I did write it while at work!’

To view the original article CLICK HERE

Witty Wednesday

Office Humor: Funny Things To Try At Work

Is work getting you down? Tired of same ‘ol stuff — day in and day out?
Here are some FUN ideas to lighten things up a bit around the office.
Some are flat out crazy. But others might be worth a try …so long as the people in your office have a good sense of humor!

 

This post could be subtitled: How to keep a healthy level of insanity at work.

1-POINT OFFICE DARES:
1. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
2. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
3. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
4. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. (Or, give the casino dealer’s hand signal for “I’m out.”)
6. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
7. Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
8. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
9. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
10. No matter what anyone asks you, reply, “Okay.”

 3-POINT OFFICE DARES:
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5. Grow mold in your coffee cup.
6. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
7. Don’t use any punctuation. Or, use, too…much; punctuation!
8. Put your waste basket on your desk and label it “IN”.
9. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
10. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave.
11. Hang a 2-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
12. At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.
13. Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: “Hey, you don’t want to catch what I’ve got!”
14. Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener to the meeting. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes.
15. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

5-POINT OFFICE DARES:
1. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 5 times.
3. Take donuts to the morning meeting, and poke your finger into each one “testing for freshness”.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
5. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for 1 hour.
6. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the Star Spangled Banner (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
7. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
8. Put those hole-reinforcing circles on the center of your eyeglasses.
9. In a colleague’s Day Planner, write in the 10am slot: “See how I look in tights.” (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in Army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13. Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
16. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
17. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Hard.”
18. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
19. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
20. Rubberneck at the notes of the person next to you. Copy them word for word. Subvocalize as you do. Tell them that they “understand these things better than you do.”

To view the original article CLICK HERE